After the dismantling of a significant friendship in my life several years ago, I was stuck. I was stuck in the perceptions I held of this person that fell to the ground, I was stuck in the aftermath of our conversations (those kinds that keep playing again and again and again) and I was stuck in the energy of the deconstruction of it all. Like when a building collapses and the dust fills the air surrounding, and your lungs too if you’re nearby. Suffice it to say, this dust was taking a long time to settle.
But I thought “when it did” I would finally be ok. I let go of what was holding me back, and now I could be free.
And as I waited for the dust to settle, and that freedom to usher into my senses, I had this thought: maybe it’s not this hard thing I had to walk away from to find the freedom that was “escaping” me. Maybe I use the hard things in my life as scapegoats for why I don’t have my freedom. Maybe on some level, I even find them to perpetually keep my freedom at bay. (What we do to ourselves, for ourselves, for subconscious reasons would astound you)
I thought this because this pattern has repeated itself many times over. If not the relationship, the traumatic event, the familial problem, or the sudden crisis, then it’s the myriad other distractions that (so easily) pull my focus into problem and away from peace.
This idea resurfaced in me when listening to a recent Ted Talk and the speaker asked “What do you know, that you wish you didn’t?” And I had an answer right away. That Jami died. That was my first answer at least. If THAT didn’t happen THEN I would be where I want. And it hit me again. This is not peace eluding me, this is my eluding peace. Maybe my freedom has been more dependent on whatever is going on in my external reality, than it has been on whether or not I actually have access to it.
What you know that you wish you didn’t… how hard the breakup was (or pending breakup will be) the trauma that’s occurred, the affair that they had… maybe “what you know” can be the thing that instead of holding you captive, will inspire your next step into freedom right now. Because IT’S probably not the thing that’s keeping you stuck after all.
Where are you keeping… you, stuck? Maybe the greater place to be than in the “what and where”, is “why?” And just maybe, if the answer to why is “I don’t know,” then you don’t use that as the step before freedom that you’re going to stay in the cycle of stuck with. You hold for it curiosity, and with your next breath you focus on what you want next. Visit the what, where, and whys, but don’t dwell there. Use your past, or present uncomfortable circumstances, as information that will serve to move you forward in the outcome, the vision, the Life you want.
AKA Don’t act like your peace is dependent on the hard thing passing. There can be a perpetual list of hard things, and if you waited for them all to pass to claim your freedom then you’ll spend your whole life only ever waiting for things to pass. Own your peace in the middle of your “hard” and watch how the storms pass with less destruction and more rainbows.
To your perpetually finding peace over problems,